Eka's Portal Writing Group - December 2009

Are you looking for a place to post your work, hoping to receive comments, suggestions and criticisms? If so, this forum is for you! Showcase your stories, drawings, animations, and anything else you have created here. You can even upload your files directly to our site! Note: Everyone is free to share opinions of anything here. If you can't handle criticism, refrain from posting here!
Forum rules
This section is for any artist, writer, animator, or any form of creation to share their work in order to receive comment to improve themselves better.

Read the rules in detail here

Read the Critiquing suggestion here

Please open only one thread per person. Detail here.

Re: Eka's Portal Writing Group - December 2009

Postby KavenBach » Fri Dec 11, 2009 12:27 am

ABOUT YOU:
Your name: KavenBach or K-Bach
Your writing library URL(s):
Have you read the rules and guidelines, and do you agree to them? yes
In particular, have you read the part about providing meaty comments (at least two or three good paragraphs, and try to answer the author's questions, if any) on the three stories you're assigned, and do you agree? Yes
Have you proofread your own story? Re-read it a couple times as I went but it is incomplete as of this first posting...

YOUR POST:
Title/Summary: "Ambassadors of the Flesh, Part 4: Smoked Piglet." One of the ambassadors goes to a lesser noble's estate, deliberately to be prepared as a "Smoked Piglet." The experience is of course to be only temporary and non-fatal, just an exciting experience. However something rather more sinister ends up happening... all is not what it seems in Galupados society.
Word Count:5,600... so far. I don't think the final version will reach 10,000 but who knows...
Rating and Classification: M/F sex (quite a bit) and Soft vore, Frogman/woman. Semi-willing. Cooking preparations. (As of this posting there is no vore yet, just preliminaries to the cooking. The cooking itself will be non-fatal and the vore will be non-bloody).
Type of Critique Preferred: Be honest but respectful, I guess? Point out logic flaws if you see them, and don't be afraid to question things.
Questions for the Readers: Are Marissa's reactions believable in any way, shape or form? Would ANY woman (in your opinion) have even the slightest chance of thinking the way she does? Even if the pheromones cause her reactions, the instincts almost have to be there beforehand. Does this ruin the entire concept of the story?

YOUR READING LIST:
Rating and Classification Preferred: No M/M and no Scat, incest, or loli. I much prefer ?/F or semi-savage M/F (as in a werewolf male, not a scrawny anime series guy, for example), but will still read most others.

Critiquing Style: I'll be honest and try to temper any criticism with compliments. Bad spelling and grammar --- REALLY bad grammar, anyway --- will give me fits and probably you as a result. If I see something that raises a question in my mind, I'll mention it.
Don't forget to attach your writing!

http://aryion.com/g3/showitem.php?id=180429

THIS IS THE COMPLETED VERSION NOW IN MY GALLERY (December 12th)
Attachments
AOF_4_SmokedPigletV1.doc
(74.5 KiB) Downloaded 186 times
Last edited by KavenBach on Sat Dec 12, 2009 6:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"Lady, I WARNED you that my plants wouldn't tolerate tresspassers, either! NOW look at you!"
"Mmh! Mmh!"

https://www.patreon.com/KavenBach
User avatar
KavenBach
DamselDangerologist
 
Posts: 1973
Joined: Wed Jul 12, 2006 11:00 pm
Location: St-Hubert, Quebec (near Montreal)

Re: Eka's Portal Writing Group - December 2009

Postby Jacquelope » Fri Dec 11, 2009 12:51 am

Gentle_Grounds wrote:Ironic. I spelled, Pressure wrong.

You can edit it before Saturday, I imagine.
Experiment: Will a grenade kill a giant naga by exploding in its belly?
Test #1: Inconclusive. Grenade exploded in naga''s mouth.
Test #2: Inconclusive. Grenade exploded in naga's throat.
Further tests delayed until another live specimen can be acquired.
User avatar
Jacquelope
???
 
Posts: 7433
Joined: Sat Mar 22, 2008 11:00 pm
Location: Back in the Linux Lab, muhahahah!

Re: Eka's Portal Writing Group - December 2009

Postby 4ofSwords » Fri Dec 11, 2009 8:27 am

Alrighty - December is closed for submissions!

I'll update the initial post here momentarily and send out assignments a little later this morning. Again, my early apologies if I can't get everyone the kind of assignments they'd prefer, but six is a much better number to assign from than four! :)
User avatar
4ofSwords
???
 
Posts: 3304
Joined: Sun Jan 28, 2007 12:00 am
Location: GA

Re: Eka's Portal Writing Group - December 2009

Postby Imrhys » Fri Dec 11, 2009 10:34 pm

Now that I have computer access again, I have a bit of a sheepish request to make. After my son read over my submission, I found two now glaring omissions. I would like to beg to "insert" these two items, because since one of them was commented upon last month about my writing, i can't see one of y'all not seeing it this time too.

Unless someone demands to know what these two insertions are, i'll withhold their "identities". But they do not require revision work of the text, only insertions into existing text. I will be writing them up either way, since I will include them later after the review deadline passes.
User avatar
Imrhys
---
 
Posts: 1772
Joined: Tue Dec 18, 2007 12:00 am
Location: Texas, USA

Re: Eka's Portal Writing Group - December 2009

Postby KavenBach » Sat Dec 12, 2009 1:11 am

I personally am ok with it. I mean... mine's not complete yet fer crissakes ^^;

Made good progress today though. I'm finally into the final scene despite that a sex scene crept up on me by surprise. :freaked:
"Lady, I WARNED you that my plants wouldn't tolerate tresspassers, either! NOW look at you!"
"Mmh! Mmh!"

https://www.patreon.com/KavenBach
User avatar
KavenBach
DamselDangerologist
 
Posts: 1973
Joined: Wed Jul 12, 2006 11:00 pm
Location: St-Hubert, Quebec (near Montreal)

Re: Eka's Portal Writing Group - December 2009

Postby Imrhys » Sat Dec 12, 2009 2:24 am

KavenBach wrote:Made good progress today though. I'm finally into the final scene despite that a sex scene crept up on me by surprise. :freaked:


I'm glad to know I'm not the only one that has the story write itself at points >_>
User avatar
Imrhys
---
 
Posts: 1772
Joined: Tue Dec 18, 2007 12:00 am
Location: Texas, USA

Re: Eka's Portal Writing Group - December 2009

Postby Sehnsucht » Sat Dec 12, 2009 5:25 pm

Imrhys wrote:I'm glad to know I'm not the only one that has the story write itself at points >_>


Yeah, I love finding the zone. Writing becomes like watching a movie in slow motion.
User avatar
Sehnsucht
Intermediate Vorarephile
 
Posts: 610
Joined: Thu Mar 26, 2009 5:08 pm
Location: England

Re: Eka's Portal Writing Group - December 2009

Postby Gentle_Grounds » Sat Dec 12, 2009 6:08 pm

AndrewLondon wrote:
Imrhys wrote:I'm glad to know I'm not the only one that has the story write itself at points >_>


Yeah, I love finding the zone. Writing becomes like watching a movie in slow motion.


It's an entire world to me.
Gentle_Grounds
 

Re: Eka's Portal Writing Group - December 2009

Postby KavenBach » Sat Dec 12, 2009 6:14 pm

I've posted the full version in my gallery now. It's... over 10,000 words, that much I'm sure of. My entry above includes the link to the full version and the attached "V1 (Version 1)" edition which was about 5,600 words. Evidently at that length I don't suppose my assigned readers are obliged to read the whole thing...

(A lot of) Sex, bondage, semi-willing (drugged) soft M/F vore, suffocation, exploration of peculiar (and likely unbelievable) female reactions. ^^;
"Lady, I WARNED you that my plants wouldn't tolerate tresspassers, either! NOW look at you!"
"Mmh! Mmh!"

https://www.patreon.com/KavenBach
User avatar
KavenBach
DamselDangerologist
 
Posts: 1973
Joined: Wed Jul 12, 2006 11:00 pm
Location: St-Hubert, Quebec (near Montreal)

Re: Eka's Portal Writing Group - December 2009

Postby KavenBach » Sat Dec 12, 2009 6:17 pm

Gentle_Grounds wrote:
AndrewLondon wrote:
Imrhys wrote:I'm glad to know I'm not the only one that has the story write itself at points >_>


Yeah, I love finding the zone. Writing becomes like watching a movie in slow motion.


It's an entire world to me.


I seem to recall someone, somewhere, stating that it gets to a point where you're not writing your characters' story... rather, your characters are telling you their story, and you're just putting it in words for them...

That said, rarely do I do their tales justice. ^^;
"Lady, I WARNED you that my plants wouldn't tolerate tresspassers, either! NOW look at you!"
"Mmh! Mmh!"

https://www.patreon.com/KavenBach
User avatar
KavenBach
DamselDangerologist
 
Posts: 1973
Joined: Wed Jul 12, 2006 11:00 pm
Location: St-Hubert, Quebec (near Montreal)

Re: Eka's Portal Writing Group - December 2009

Postby Imrhys » Sat Dec 12, 2009 9:46 pm

KavenBach wrote:I seem to recall someone, somewhere, stating that it gets to a point where you're not writing your characters' story... rather, your characters are telling you their story, and you're just putting it in words for them...

That said, rarely do I do their tales justice. ^^;


Hopefully both of us will get to where we do their "stories" justice, particularly with the help of places like this writing group <3

Oh that reminds me, my son told me something a bit troubling yesterday while he grammar nazi'ed me: According to what he has been taught in school, I'm wrong to double spacing between sentences. This blows my mind, so I'm wondering if I am the only person that "thinks" its a double space between sentences?
User avatar
Imrhys
---
 
Posts: 1772
Joined: Tue Dec 18, 2007 12:00 am
Location: Texas, USA

Re: Eka's Portal Writing Group - December 2009

Postby KavenBach » Sat Dec 12, 2009 11:44 pm

Myself I double-space after a period, but single space after a comma, colon, or semicolon. I don't use Word anymore but it used to flag two spaces after a comma, even in quotations. I don't remember why exactly I started double-spacing after a period... neither showed up as "wrong" in Word for example. Oddly, I wonder if I didn't start that in CEGEP (Quebec College rip-off) after reading through the "Little, Brown Handbook." I don't remember why I started that but I do recall that it was a conscious decision.
"Lady, I WARNED you that my plants wouldn't tolerate tresspassers, either! NOW look at you!"
"Mmh! Mmh!"

https://www.patreon.com/KavenBach
User avatar
KavenBach
DamselDangerologist
 
Posts: 1973
Joined: Wed Jul 12, 2006 11:00 pm
Location: St-Hubert, Quebec (near Montreal)

Re: Eka's Portal Writing Group - December 2009

Postby Jacquelope » Sat Dec 12, 2009 11:52 pm

I always single space. It saves bandwidth. :)
Experiment: Will a grenade kill a giant naga by exploding in its belly?
Test #1: Inconclusive. Grenade exploded in naga''s mouth.
Test #2: Inconclusive. Grenade exploded in naga's throat.
Further tests delayed until another live specimen can be acquired.
User avatar
Jacquelope
???
 
Posts: 7433
Joined: Sat Mar 22, 2008 11:00 pm
Location: Back in the Linux Lab, muhahahah!

Re: Eka's Portal Writing Group - December 2009

Postby Imrhys » Sat Dec 12, 2009 11:56 pm

Jacquelope wrote:I always single space. It saves bandwidth. :)


My son said something to that effect, and it bothered me because it is improper punctuation offline...
User avatar
Imrhys
---
 
Posts: 1772
Joined: Tue Dec 18, 2007 12:00 am
Location: Texas, USA

Re: Eka's Portal Writing Group - December 2009

Postby Imrhys » Sun Dec 13, 2009 12:31 am

okay, I uploaded my additions, but i have the original saved separately if anyone objects and I need to undo them...
User avatar
Imrhys
---
 
Posts: 1772
Joined: Tue Dec 18, 2007 12:00 am
Location: Texas, USA

Re: Eka's Portal Writing Group - December 2009

Postby Sehnsucht » Sun Dec 13, 2009 4:52 am

Imrhys wrote:According to what he has been taught in school, I'm wrong to double spacing between sentences. This blows my mind, so I'm wondering if I am the only person that "thinks" its a double space between sentences?


Styles change over time. I think the reason the older generation of Internet users prefer double-space is because it increases readability in monospace fonts, which were far more prevelant in the Dawn of Time. These days the double-space isn't strictly necessary, as the letters are variable-width and double-spacing doesn't increase readability enough to justify its fussiness. Both single and double spacing are approximations to the clever work done by type-setters, so if you really want "correct" word-spacing on the computer use something like TeX, a typesetting program written by mathematician Don Knuth. (Word (until recently?) didn't cut it.)

tl;dr: you're both wrong (alt: you're both right (bonus alt: you both write))
User avatar
Sehnsucht
Intermediate Vorarephile
 
Posts: 610
Joined: Thu Mar 26, 2009 5:08 pm
Location: England

Re: Eka's Portal Writing Group - December 2009

Postby Gentle_Grounds » Sun Dec 13, 2009 5:51 am

I 1.5 space my sentences. I only double space when I'm writing papers. I use font, Andalus on a scale size font of 10 to 10.5.
Gentle_Grounds
 

Re: Eka's Portal Writing Group - December 2009

Postby 4ofSwords » Sun Dec 13, 2009 12:28 pm

My comments on Jacquelope's Chapter 5 of TMJoIS:

Jacquelope wrote:Rating and Classification: FFF/M, Soft Vore, Extra Soft Vore, and Unbirth. Mass destruction.
Type of Critique Preferred: Show no mercy - better you guys than my readers.
Questions for the Readers: What do you think of the story's pacing?


In the description of this chapter in your gallery, you say "Hell suddenly breaks loose" - and I got pretty excited about that - but this chapter seems to be more like "People talking about the aftermath of hell having broke loose". <grin> I enjoyed Ami's section at the beginning of the chapter (at least at the very beginning, when it seemed like she might be about to do something untoward to that little soldier cadet, and at the end when she got nabbed), and I enjoyed the very end of the chapter when -something- was about to happen, but by my count 9 of the 11 pages in this chapter were either Ian redescribing what his insertion into Hollani (which he's experienced before, and though this time was different, it was, by description, less exciting than past times) or fairies talking about bad things that have happened and could happen again. It's as if Star Wars was told by Han Solo in his downtime between adventures, chatting with Chewbacca about the dangers of running through various corridors on the Deathstar and Star Destroyers instead of actually showing him do that. The ideas in your world are interesting, but as a reader I'm feeling a little strung along; thank goodness for the one brief fight Roshana had - I'd love to see more of that!

Other than that, I noticed much less of the redundant or overexplanatory dialog/descriptions that I pointed out in past chapters, so good on you for that!

I like the idea of the crystal cave being used by the invading forces, but didn't you explain elsewhere about the incredible magic power crystals had (or am I mis-remembering?) Wouldn't that make a crystal cave stand out to the magic-sensitivity of the fairies?

The appropriation of the term "Drow" in this context corrupts my suspension of disbelief.

Did you drop some hints earlier to forshadow that Isaya was non-native? I missed them if so (though I'm not known to be good at picking up on details), but it feels a little more like a convenient revelation if not.
User avatar
4ofSwords
???
 
Posts: 3304
Joined: Sun Jan 28, 2007 12:00 am
Location: GA

Re: Eka's Portal Writing Group - December 2009

Postby oldman40k2003 » Sun Dec 13, 2009 5:39 pm

AndrewLondon wrote:
Imrhys wrote:According to what he has been taught in school, I'm wrong to double spacing between sentences. This blows my mind, so I'm wondering if I am the only person that "thinks" its a double space between sentences?


Styles change over time. I think the reason the older generation of Internet users prefer double-space is because it increases readability in monospace fonts, which were far more prevelant in the Dawn of Time


Hmmm, what years of "first got on the internet" do you think count as "older generation"?

Also, I suspect that two spaces after a period are something you see from some programmers, because programming is almost always done in a mono-spaced font, and double spaces improve readability in such.
Eye see you.
User avatar
oldman40k2003
Vorefinder
 
Posts: 1074
Joined: Thu Oct 20, 2005 11:00 pm
Location: Puget Sound, Washington

Re: Eka's Portal Writing Group - December 2009

Postby Sehnsucht » Sun Dec 13, 2009 5:41 pm

My response to Gentle_Grounds's Peer Pressure.

I enjoyed this story more than I expected to, since M/f isn't my thing. While the writing style is clearly still developing, the story touched on a great variety of topics, and in places was quite moving. The vore especially was well-written, and the exploration of the aftermath of it---removing something good from the world, and making it a little colder---was very well done.

The themes of sexuality, race, religion and intolerance kept coming up at various points. I like how they informed Sam's self-loathing in the end, and how they generate the image of a fractured and confused town. In the end the characters are left to speak their prejudices for themselves, and the text makes no other moral assertion other than a vague "tolerance is good". The more I think about it, the more I liked this kind of passive reporting. Nice work.

Was the narration correct? Sam was clearly the point-of-view character. Sometimes the narration would become very colourful, and here it would be better to make it clear that Sam is the one thinking these thoughts.

Were the characters believable? I had trouble telling apart the three gang members, especially Thomas and Michael. Perhaps a distinguishing feature, like an accent or stutter, could help here. I wasn't completely sold on their kidnapping in the first place, but the whole piece had a slightly dreamy feel that meant it wasn't too much of a problem.

Since you didn't specify whether or not to focus on grammar and stuff I adopted my default behaviour and went through it slowly. Most of my comments revolve around word choice, sentence structure, pacing and other low-level things. Hope this is fine.

The most distracting grammatical error was of the following style: "'Thanks.' Sam replied" should be "'Thanks,' replied Sam". These mistakes are common through the script. If the bit outside the speech marks continues the sentence, it's a comma inside the speech marks. Also, most of the time the verb comes first, as in "said Sam". Don't fall into the trap of worrying about using "said" too much---people just don't notice the word "said".

The word choice was frequently a little sloppy. I suggest reading through the story slowly and checking that every word is doing its job, and adding something to the story. Ask if every sentence clearly conveys the image in your head. This might not be a fun job, but it sure is educational, and makes the writing tighter and more pleasurable to read.

The remainder of these comments form the meat of my critique. I hope they don't come off as too negative---in balance, I really did enjoy this story.

Spoiler: show
In the opening sentence, using the word "wood" or "forest" would have helped me immediately clock where they were. "area of bare trees" left me wondering a bit.

"Four teenaged males": "males" is a bit technical. Good for police radio or biology textbook; bad for scene setting. "Four teenagers" reads better to me.

I like the idea of the new kid wearing a different colour to the others. It's not clear how long he's been trying to join, though. Did he buy the green jacket expressly for this purpose, as you seem to imply?

"teen", "youth": you've already established that the characters are young, so it's a little redundant to repeat these with the descriptions.

"Sam, the recruit" => "Sam the recruit", since it's like a title ("William the Conqueror").

The description of the corpse-poking certainly made me feel ill. What are the "yellowish-white organs"? Did the stick encounter any resistance? (Currently sounds like there was none.)

"be apart of a gang" => "be a part of a gang"

So the kid has work? I had the image of quite a young man in mind. Is it a paper route or McDonalds? Might be good to specify the age ranges, too.

"nothing more but hecklers" => "nothing more than hecklers".

"pulling the pranks" => "pulling pranks"; and I'm not sure this sentence adds anything anyway. Also, I'd be wary of using the word prey as a metaphor, since your target audience is likely to be pretty sensitive to it :)

"One time, Luke, ... fooled an entire ministry" is a bit of an unwieldy sentence. I don't think it loses too much to drop the clothing description. How's "Luke, the leader of the group as he was the tallest and strongest, once fooled an entire ministry"?

"incredibly superstitious bible thumpers" is very colourful language, and it's a good idea to try to make a God's-eye narrative voice as neutral as possible. If this is Sam's opinion of the ministry, make it clear he's the one thinking it.

"Luke walked into a church during a deep spiritual pray". "prayer" is the noun of "to pray". I think this could benefit from a reword, to make it clear what makes this prayer especially spiritual.

The remainder of the above paragraph happened in the past, so should be referenced like this: "He had worn a hockey mask, and had held a scythe with one hand while dressed in a black hooded robe".

"Organs and blood – reminds me of that horror movie, "Creeping at Skull Lake!"


The speech marks should always come in pairs, and if you quote something inside speech marks, change the kind you use. The above could be rewritten*:

"Organs and blood -- reminds me of that horror movie, 'Creeping at Skull Lake!'"


"The train..." We haven't heard from Sam for a while. How's he feeling? Having him thinking the colourful language and lively description in this paragraph would really let us see how scared he is.

"wooden planks" => "wooden sleepers" is what they're called.

"casted out" => "cast out".

"His jacket caught onto one the cars". Did it catch underneath the car, or on the side? What did it catch on? Did his jacket tear? How fast is the train going? The paragraph introducing it seemed to imply it was screaming along the tracks.

"assert his masculinity" => "reassert his dominance"? Nice visual on the body-language.

"Yeah, don’t worry, Sam! Luke cackled.
needs a closing speech mark.

"Luke grinned with a sensation." What does this mean? I've never heard the term before.

"his organs are everywhere": what organs? It was his arm---as far as I know, organs generally just refers to things like the liver, etc., in the torso and head.

"Sam screamed to the top of his lungs" => "Sam screamed at the top of his lungs"? Might be a regional variation.

"padded his falling" => "padded his fall".

First read-through I didn't get that the arm was a vision. How about "Sam snapped out of it. His arm was attached and whole. It had just been a vision..."

"'I don't know. Get a stick.' Michael replied." I lol'd :D

"...leaves and gravel, it lead..." This is a run-on sentence, which is caused when one tries to use a comma to glue together two perfectly well-formed sentences. Replace the comma with a full stop/period. (If the reason you used a comma was because otherwise the sentences here would all be short, consider changing the wording.) Also: the past tense of "lead" is "led". I do this one too! In fact, a hundred years ago, I think we would have been correct (it's the same past tense formation as "read"!).

"The walls of were a deep blue": reword. Are they painted or papered? Is the paint/paper peeling?

"Sam bobbed his head up and down." Again, nice use of body language.

"as if she was abused earlier": again, it occurred in the past, so use something like "as if she had been abused earlier".

'"Rape," Michael questioned. "No, that's just wrong."' This entire section had me in stitched :D I love the image of the rowdy boys getting serious and racially sensitive.

The vore sequence is well-written, and is probably the best writing in the piece. The personalities of all the characters are developed more, the description becomes more natural, and the pacing is easy and natural.

"'Nice place.' Thomas complimented." "nice place" is already a compliment, so you don't need to point it out. There's nothing wrong with a "said Thomas".

"could not phantom what she looked like". Do you mean "fathom"?

So, I said earlier that the vore sequence was the best writing, but the ending is the most emotionally evocative. I very much liked the way he comes to hate and reject what he's done, but that he's got to live with the consequences. My only gripe is that a lot of it is out of nowhere. It would be more satisfying from a story point of view if the reader could have seen it coming. Maybe a throw-away comment about having less time off since his boss hadn't been in work due to some kind of crisis. The "she looks familiar" thing wasn't strong enough to get the full emotional payload.

* Since you're in America, I think the exclamation mark goes inside
both sets of quotes.
User avatar
Sehnsucht
Intermediate Vorarephile
 
Posts: 610
Joined: Thu Mar 26, 2009 5:08 pm
Location: England

PreviousNext

Return to Work to be shared!

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users