Eka's Portal Writing Group - Sept 2009 - All Submissions In!

[4ofSwords]

Okey dokey, uploaded.

Word count: 2218

[4ofSwords]

Tomorrow's the last day for posting in September! For those U.S. folks, that means Labor Day (so get to laborin'!)

[Sehnsucht]

Here's an idea that's been kicking around in my head for a while. I'm not sure how well-executed it is, but I wanted to post it now in case I don't get a chance to do a more clear-headed reread tomorrow.

ABOUT YOU:
Your name: London. Andrew London.
Your writing library URL(s): EPWG is my home.
Have you read the rules and guidelines, and do you agree to them? Yep.
Have you proofread your own story? Yep.

YOUR POST:
Title/Summary: Mouse: Impossible. A group of highly trained mice are perfectly suited to some kinds of industrial espionage. However, an ill-advised return visit gives them more trouble than they anticipated, and they are called on to use all their wits just to survive.
Word Count: 5463.
Rating and Classification: Heavily Macro/micro, FF/mf. Soft oral, bit of gore, bit of crushing. "Phone vore"
Type of Critique Preferred: Honest and courteous. Give examples where possible, and suggestions for improvements are welcome. Something about the flow seems off to me, so suggestions about doing things differently are very welcome.
Questions for the Readers: Is it ever unclear what's going on? Did I set up any hooks in your mind that failed to be satisfied? The 2 ending paras suck: can you think of an improvement? It was inspired by Mission: Impossible. I think I accidentally took on board the bad characterisation, though. Did any/all of the characters seem kind of vague to you? Is the story worse for it? Was the vore too short? Can you think of a better title?

YOUR READING LIST:
Rating and Classification Preferred: Fairly permissive. Prefer sentient female preds, furry or human. Love power exchange, macro and catgirls. Prefer oral, but can handle anything you throw at me. Really tripped up by bad grammar.
Critiquing Style: Courteous but clear critic. Can look at the big picture of plot and character more easily when the little picture of grammar and imagery is already sorted. Apparently my approach is to crawl through the story with a fine tooth-comb, but ask specific questions and I'll do my best to address them.

Don't forget to attach your writing!
Done. This will hopefully change, too.

[4ofSwords]

Splendid, Mr. London!

Any last minuters? Round closes in hours. Hours, I say! (How many, I can't say. Whenever I wake up tomorrow.)

[Tobedumped]

Splendid, Mr. London!

Any last minuters? Round closes in hours. Hours, I say! (How many, I can't say. Whenever I wake up tomorrow.)

Right now I have a kind of half-formed work staring me in the face. Would we rather I share a half-work and get some thoughts on how to complete it or should I hold off until I actually have something?

[4ofSwords]

Is the half-formed work like half a story in fairly finished form? If so, I vote yes. If it's a whole story in half-finished form, I vote nay, and am sad.

And Solomon - where are you and the end of your splendid museum piece?

[Tobedumped]

Is the half-formed work like half a story in fairly finished form? If so, I vote yes. If it's a whole story in half-finished form, I vote nay, and am sad.

I'm not even really sure it's a story at this point. For the prompt of "The Silver Screen," I decided that I was going to write a story about the cast of a horrible vore-based action movie who seem to be the only ones who realize how terrible the movie is. I wrote a couple of scenes (an example of one of the movie's awful scenes, a few scenes of the actors complaining/dreading/sobbing) but could not decide where it was actually going. Do they finish the movie? Do they mutiny against the writer/director/costumer? I wasn't even able to decide on basic things (is vore a real thing in their world or just a fantasy? would the story itself feature any vore or just be about a vore movie?), really all I knew was that I wanted to have fun writing the worst vore scenes I could fathom.

I liked (and still do like) the idea because it's something different-- a vore comedy that puts erotica to the side. That said, right now I have no idea where it's going. I won't submit it for this month, but if anyone wants to help-- or just wants to read what I have-- I'd love to talk about it.

[4ofSwords]

I liked (and still do like) the idea because it's something different-- a vore comedy that puts erotica to the side. That said, right now I have no idea where it's going. I won't submit it for this month, but if anyone wants to help-- or just wants to read what I have-- I'd love to talk about it.

I'd be happy to take a look.

[4ofSwords]

September is closed! It's a busy morning for me, so give me a few hours and I'll open October and fire up the ole random assignment generator!

EDIT: Assignments are out! If anyone didn't get theirs, please let me know!

[Black-Boo]

So uh...now we critique, yes?

[KavenBach]

Uh... yes. You should have received a Private Message from 4OfSwords listing the three stories you've been assigned to critique. All you have to do is post your critique on this thread, bearing in mind the type of critique the author asked for and any specific questions.

But, um, I haven't gotten my list.

[KavenBach]

That said... this one was already done. Quickly done, but done anyway.

...

The many Journeys of Ian Scranton, Chapter 2: critiqu-a-ma-bob thingy

As usual I'll be jotting things down as I read...

“So, under a fairly large maple-like tree with vibrant autumn-colored leaves emerald green veins shooting up from its trunk into the branches” ...um... weird sentence. You probably just forgot “and” between “leaves “ and “emerald” but... ouch my brain when I tried to read that.

“this time because she'd seen Isaya stop by a tree near a large pond to lean against a tree.” Another repetitive turn of phrase...

All right. Couple of points:

-You've made changes since the first time I read this. Ian is a little more active a participant in this chapter than he had been before. I seem to recall no in-throat swallowing scene before. However, seeing how he went down calmly, relaxing to let Hollani have him, I wonder about Roshana hearing him howling in her stomach seconds later. But then again... even if he's protected, the inside of a stomach can't be pleasant, right? But then, wouldn't she feel his horror? Or is that only a problem when real digestion is underway? Also, wouldn't Ami realize Hollani is tricking her if she knows she's an Arari?
-Even after reading your information pages I still get confused with the many fairy types being thrown around... though you do seem to explain them as you go, which helps.

What do you think of the chapter title? To be entirely honest, does it make sense? For the entire chapter, I mean? Sure Isaya has a tree tell her where the fruit came from and so on... but everything else? Here's a question: what's the most important event in this chapter? Hollani's fake swallow? Roshana killing the crazed Rikati? Maybe the most constant element in this one are those fruits... so maybe something along those lines? I suck at titles myself, mind you, so... take that with a boulder of salt.
Are Ian's reactions a bit more... plausible? Well, he has a little bit more of a role in this chapter now, at least. Plausible? He seems rather confused by all these killer women around him and a little scared but, I think, not confused or scared enough. He seems very acceptant... despite his protests. On the other hand, were he to come out groggy, his wits a little dulled, then “mild” responses to everything might fit more? Meh, I have no idea.

[Tobedumped]

I liked (and still do like) the idea because it's something different-- a vore comedy that puts erotica to the side. That said, right now I have no idea where it's going. I won't submit it for this month, but if anyone wants to help-- or just wants to read what I have-- I'd love to talk about it.

I'd be happy to take a look.

Well, one voice is good enough for me. I submit, in the spoiler section, snippets of "The Show Mustn't Go On." My goal was, as stated, to create a story about actors who have signed on to be a part of the world's worst vore movie. It turned out to be less of a story and more of an idea. If you care to read it, please let me know if you have any suggestions on any of the following.
-What should the story be? I have the situation, now I need a plot. My temptation, of course, is to have the writer/director/producer/costumer devoured, but that seems like it would be including lousy, predictable vore writing in a story mocking lousy, predictable vore writing. Any ideas on how I can pepper that up?
-Would it help if one of the cast members was at least ambivalent towards the movie? Maybe if the male cast member realizes that the movie sucks, but is fine as long as he gets paid?
-Should I make this a vore world where this movie is essentially bad action-porn, or a non-vore world where this movie is essentially bad action-fantasy-porn?
Any critiques on the writing itself are welcome, but mostly I'm concerned about advancing the story at this point.

Of course, a huge thank you to anyone who does take their time to help. Fate smiles upon the generous. (Also, danger, it does include some language.)

Spoiler: show

“Oh, Gregory” she swooned, taking his hands in hers, hoping against hope that her misting eyes could implore him to stay. “Don’t do it. You know what she does to men!” The sparkle of her eyes, the perfect bounce to her curls, the cut of that dress—sure he had a thousand reasons to stay. But his resolve was as solid as his handsome features and rugged chest.
“I made a promise to this city that I would end her reign of terror and I intend to keep it.” He paused dramatically. “Even if it means using myself as bait.”
“But she—“ Vanessa was terrified to utter the words in anything more than a hushed voice “—eats men with her butt.”
“Dammit, don’t you think I know that?!” Gregory broke away from the gorgeous blonde’s hands and turned his back on her, pausing dramatically before he spoke again. “But in order for any of us to be safe, I’m going to have to defeat her the only way I know how.”
“You mean?” Vanessa gasped.
“Yes.” He pretended to adjust the clip-on bow tie of his tuxedo in the hopes that it would make him look heroic.
“But you swore you would never do it again. Not since—“
“I need to. For you, for me, for everybody!” He turned around to face her again, his expression as fiery as his tone. “Yes,” he said thoughtfully, “if I’m going to defeat the sinister Butt Baroness, I’m going to need to eat her…”
Dramatic pause.
“…with my cock.”

“And cut!” The director yelled. As Elisabeth and Hank dropped character, their posture and facial expressions dropped as well. “Alright, that went well, but Beth, honey, we’re going to need more horror from you on the ‘butt’ line. You gotta show us that that’s totally a no-go for your character, ‘kay sweetie?” He didn’t wait for a response. “And Hank, baby! Love those dramatic pauses! We’re done for now, everybody break, back in ten.” The two actors stood, almost dumbfounded as the director, cameramen, and crew all scrambled off to their break locations. They couldn’t be the only ones seeing this, could they?
“I have a fucking Tony.” Elisabeth buried her head into Hank’s shoulder and let out a fake cry. “What the fuck am I doing here?”
“Don’t I know it.” He said, patting the back of her head lovingly. “Someone should lock all of us up for attempted career suicide.”
“The worse part is that this stinker is probably going to make ten times more than anything else I ever star in.” Elisabeth laughed, her face still buried in the breast of Hank’s cheap tuxedo.
“Don’t say that.” Hank said very seriously. “They might write a sequel.”

“This” a voice boomed in from offstage “is what they have me wearing for the big fight scene.” Her voice was low for a female, but her looks and body were quite feminine—with every curve being accentuated by a dreadful black leather cat suit. Nothing on Natalie’s face or in her tone suggested that she was even remotely amused. She turned around so that her co-stars could see the perfect final touch. “It’s a catsuit… with a zipper over the ass.” Sure enough, there was a shiny, vertical zipper going right down the crack of her ass. Hank held back laughter, Elisabeth held back a gasp. Natalie held back nothing.
“If I had a fuckin’ shred of dignity left I would have walked the second I read the script.” Natalie moaned.
“I’m sorry, was the fact that you were auditioning for a role called ‘the Butt Baroness’ not a big enough tip off for you?” Hank said.
“I just couldn’t imagine it would be this…” Natalie was at a loss for the right word.
“Shittacular?” Elisabeth took a stab at it.
“I swear, that’s what they should call this thing: the Shittacular Career Ender.”

[Tobedumped]

Bela asked me to review his piece, and I can't turn down a good fan like him. Nor can I turn down F/M human vore.

Bela's Peeping Brat

First, good to see you writing! The cliche is true for a reason; the only way to get better at writing is to keep writing.

What I liked
-In the first paragraph everything after "even as a teen..." is dynamite. By far your best writing in the piece.
-I like the ending. I like the idea of the story serving as a cautionary tale. Especially with the short length, it gives the story the feel of a fable; it's quick, to the point and teaches a lesson.

What I would suggest
-I'm not sure if it's because of the txt format or if it's because of my computer, but some punctuation and such did not turn up correctly in my copy. It was distracting, especially in such a short piece, to need to guess what it was supposed to say in a few places.
-My frustration with the narration is that it starts off on Troy and Sarah, but once it "zooms out" to Ryan we don't get any more of Troy or Sarah's thoughts. We only get spectator vore. For me, this was a problem. I think you either need to make Ryan the only narrator for the entire story or you need to have omniscient narration for the entire story (which would mean including what's going through Troy and Sarah's heads at the time of swallowing). The story might be strongest if you make Ryan the sole narrator... but that would also mean cutting a whole lot of what's there.
-A criticism I always get is that my vore scenes come out of nowhere. While it's not an issue to me (when reading vore stories I naturally assume that every female character can and wants to eat every male character-- I'm not quite sure what this says about me) be aware that a lot of your audience is going to demand foreshadowing and motive.

Your Questions
I didn't see any questions attached... if there's anything you want more specifics on, let me know!

Overall
This is a simple idea for a simple vore story-- like I said above it's the vore cautionary tale or fable, which is very cool. I think the choice of narration is what you need to work out before it can be great. I look forward to seeing more from you in the future-- call on me to review your work any time!

[KavenBach]

-What should the story be? I have the situation, now I need a plot. My temptation, of course, is to have the writer/director/producer/costumer devoured, but that seems like it would be including lousy, predictable vore writing in a story mocking lousy, predictable vore writing. Any ideas on how I can pepper that up?

-Have who/whatever vores him throw him up. He's just THAT greasy.
-If one of the actors ends up vored, have THEM thrown up. Not even the other actors could stomach the bad acting... or maybe they just found the acting that hard to swallow...
-I'm assuming oral vore with those, of course, but the story seems angled toward AV at the moment. If you wanna be gross have whoever AVs develop a spontaneous case of diarrhea.

-Would it help if one of the cast members was at least ambivalent towards the movie? Maybe if the male cast member realizes that the movie sucks, but is fine as long as he gets paid?

Naw. Even in the three snippets you've made it clear multiple times that they see this as career suicide. Maybe give a dang good reason why they'd be doing this anyway. Of course being paid 250$ million or something would probably be good incentive...

-Should I make this a vore world where this movie is essentially bad action-porn, or a non-vore world where this movie is essentially bad action-fantasy-porn?

At the moment I find it reads as a non-vore world, myself. drawing AV and CV into a movie is all the more satirical, I think, if it isn't "normal" for the world it's set in. Particularly if they pull it off successfully... only to have the special effects guys say sorry they weren't ready... "wait, whaddya mean it worked? Nothing was set up, it CAN'T have worked?!"

Though I can't argue the porn angle. Again, why would these actresses submit to doing porn? Maybe a reversal: whereas usually women dream of being actresses and end up as porn stars, this one dreamed of being a porn star and ended up as a respected actress instead...?

It would also kinda suck if the guy tries to CV but has a one-inch pecker.

Er... okay, I'll shut up now...

[Jacquelope]

That said... this one was already done. Quickly done, but done anyway.

...

The many Journeys of Ian Scranton, Chapter 2: critiqu-a-ma-bob thingy

As usual I'll be jotting things down as I read...

“So, under a fairly large maple-like tree with vibrant autumn-colored leaves emerald green veins shooting up from its trunk into the branches” ...um... weird sentence. You probably just forgot “and” between “leaves “ and “emerald” but... ouch my brain when I tried to read that.

“this time because she'd seen Isaya stop by a tree near a large pond to lean against a tree.” Another repetitive turn of phrase...

Fixed, and fixed.

All right. Couple of points:

-You've made changes since the first time I read this. Ian is a little more active a participant in this chapter than he had been before. I seem to recall no in-throat swallowing scene before. However, seeing how he went down calmly, relaxing to let Hollani have him, I wonder about Roshana hearing him howling in her stomach seconds later. But then again... even if he's protected, the inside of a stomach can't be pleasant, right? But then, wouldn't she feel his horror? Or is that only a problem when real digestion is underway? Also, wouldn't Ami realize Hollani is tricking her if she knows she's an Arari?

If Ian's skin was tingling, which it wasn't, then that's probably enough for a fairy to reset her soul aura and remain a carnivore for the next 19 years. If he felt like his flesh was on fire? That's when Hollani would begin to feel his horror.

As for Ami, she didn't know what to think. Aside from Roshana, nobody's heard of Hollani's little trick of shielding someone in her stomach. Carnivorous fairies would never fathom it because they don't think it's sane. Why protect food in your stomach? Exo-symbiotes would utterly cringe. Man, I can't wait for when y'all find out why Roshana cringed... Nobody'll ever guess this one.

Regarding Ian's howling... that is explained in Chapter 3, my fan service chapter. <fan service Nazi voice> No fan service for you (or, well, F/M vorarephiles) until you read chapter 3!

-Even after reading your information pages I still get confused with the many fairy types being thrown around... though you do seem to explain them as you go, which helps.

And there's a lot more types of fairies coming, too. And other species!

What do you think of the chapter title? To be entirely honest, does it make sense? For the entire chapter, I mean? Sure Isaya has a tree tell her where the fruit came from and so on... but everything else? Here's a question: what's the most important event in this chapter? Hollani's fake swallow? Roshana killing the crazed Rikati? Maybe the most constant element in this one are those fruits... so maybe something along those lines? I suck at titles myself, mind you, so... take that with a boulder of salt.

Excellent... that gives me some guidance on how to fix the title - and future ones, too.

Are Ian's reactions a bit more... plausible? Well, he has a little bit more of a role in this chapter now, at least. Plausible? He seems rather confused by all these killer women around him and a little scared but, I think, not confused or scared enough. He seems very acceptant... despite his protests. On the other hand, were he to come out groggy, his wits a little dulled, then “mild” responses to everything might fit more? Meh, I have no idea.

Ah hah, so you think he should be more scared than he is? Hmmmm... I'm not sure how to tweak him properly. 4ofSwords says Ian 1.0 overreacted.

Nonetheless I'll keep plugging.

Thanks very much!

[4ofSwords]

-What should the story be? I have the situation, now I need a plot. My temptation, of course, is to have the writer/director/producer/costumer devoured, but that seems like it would be including lousy, predictable vore writing in a story mocking lousy, predictable vore writing. Any ideas on how I can pepper that up?

I dunno... that's kind of tricky, at least for me. I don't think my writing ever really attains a post modern sensibility, and I feel like that's what you're going for here. The thing that came to my mind was putting the movie into a location shoot (perhaps the Butt Baroness' volcanic island command HQ) and then turning it into a hyper-cliched murder mystery. Or multi-murder mystery. I'm not enough of a fan of the mystery genre to suggest either a clever twist or post-modern hyper-cliche to be deconstructed, but the dialog you have totally put me into the "Crime Time after Prime Time" mood.

-Would it help if one of the cast members was at least ambivalent towards the movie? Maybe if the male cast member realizes that the movie sucks, but is fine as long as he gets paid?

Yes, but I would suggest it should not be any of these three A/B-list actors, but some rising starlet or D-lister on the set instead. In the above scenario, they may be the prime suspect as the vorator, especially if they showed any fawning attention to one of the stars or dropped horribly punny double-entendre's about the lead looks good enough to eat, etc., etc.

-Should I make this a vore world where this movie is essentially bad action-porn, or a non-vore world where this movie is essentially bad action-fantasy-porn?

Yes, yes! Well, yes to the first part. I completely vote for you further establishing and fleshing out a world where vore is one of those unfortunate "beneath the veneer" type crimes, like drugs. The politicians are against it, the family councils are against it, there are after school specials about kids who learn how to control that special kind of hunger, but it makes great movie plot points and everyone knows it's more prevalent than anyone will admit.

My opinion is that to even have cock and anal vore be possible as casual inclusions in the film, at least oral vore has to be a regular part of the world.

[4ofSwords]

Below are my comments on Black Boo's scene from Minish Plaything.

First off, I think it worked surprisingly well to have just the final chapter of the story posted. I've hesitated to do that before on some of my longer entries, but this submission gives me more confidence. What I might suggest, more for anyone doing this in the future, is just a little bit of an expository paragraph to get us up to speed on the scene - who the characters are, their relationship, a little something of what's come before. Much of this could be gleaned from the scene (which is a good sign) and I have a -little- bit of familiarity with the Zelda stories, which probably helped, but even without the exposition I think this scene worked.

Type of Critique Preferred: I would like some rather gentle yet constructive and to the point critiquing please. :3
Questions for the Readers: Would you be interested in reading the rest of the story, even though the first five chapters don't exactly have vore, and there's a small voreless segment in the middle?

To the latter question, possibly. My hesitation comes from a general disinterest in stories starring copyrighted characters in copyrighted universes - there's a different kind of feel to them, generally, like the point of the story isn't to explore or expose you to something new, but to be as true to the canon as possible. There's certainly nothing wrong with that, but it's just a genre that interests me less, especially when my investment in the character/world is minor.

To the former statement, I don't have too much in the way of constructive criticism to offer. I saw a couple of typos, but they seemed to be just that, and were the kind of thing to which a spellchecker would alert you. My only criticism is stylistic, really, and thus probably unfair. As such, feel free to ignore the following completely: To me the story felt somewhat matter of fact, as if recounting action that had been seen, as opposed to poetic and full of life. There didn't seem to be much that was visceral, that tickled my senses and placed me in the story; I didn't notice any metaphors or imagery that made me say "a-ha" and come away with a new way to experience the vore or understand the relationship. It felt a little plain - a little dialog and action oriented, like we were waiting for actors to bring the characters to life. That said, I feel the same way about Stephen King's writing, and he seems to be doing just fine for himself without my approval, so I suspect that's a style that many other people appreciate.

In summary, I suspect it was actually well written and well conceived, but there were enough road blocks put up by my own tastes to let me say for sure, and that's no fault of yours.

[Tobedumped]

and then turning it into a hyper-cliched murder mystery.

Is there an emoticon for my jaw dropping? I freaking love it. I think I'm going to rewrite everything anyways, but having the movie be cliched bad action-spy-adventure and then having the story outside of it be cliched bad mystery sounds great.

KB, thanks for your thoughts too-- I'm going to make sure that I include the motivations for these actors signing on to this project in my final version. They are, rest assured, as predictable as they seem (money, recapturing lost glory, and true love)

Remind me to write reviews for both of you this month.

I welcome any other comments, but I think that 4 just answered my major question. By the way... what did you all make of the movie scene I had in there? Awful enough? Too awful? Not enough?

[4ofSwords]

By the way... what did you all make of the movie scene I had in there? Awful enough? Too awful? Not enough?

I think it's missing a setting. Like a gothic castle with lightning flashes in the background. Or a crowded train station. Or an airport runway in Morocco.