Eka's Portal Writing Group - Aug 2009 - All Submissions In!

[4ofSwords]

As promised, the August EPWG thread is live!

The EPWG is a casual monthly topic for authors to post short stories or portions of larger stories and get guaranteed feedback. Everyone is welcome to participate! Authors who submit a story any given month are asked to read and comment on the three stories that are assigned to them that same month, but you don't have to any author to read and give feedback, and authors don't have to limit their feedback just to the stories assigned to them. You can check out the guidelines for participation here, and you can participate in the discussion surrounding the EPWG here, if you'd like.

Authors of all skill levels and interests are welcome (see the guidelines for details); please just make sure you do your best to proofread your submission, and make sure it in some way is related to vore or endo, given the nature of this site.

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Need a little inspiration to help you get started? How about participating in this month's challenge?

The challenge this month is courtesy of Leviathin (though AndrewLondon made a great suggestion for September): A matter of trust. Try writing a story where trust is a key element. Perhaps the prey needs to trust the pred that their trip won't be only one-way, or one of the characters finds their trust in another broken.

Remember, the challenge is completely optional - you are free and encouraged to post a story that has nothing to do with this month's challenge.

DEADLINES:
All submissions for August must be posted in this topic by 11:59pm, Friday, August 7th.
All critiques for August must be posted in this topic by 11:59pm, Sunday, August 30th.

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See below for a link to the submissions for this month!

Title/Summary: The Many Deaths of Samish, Chapter 3. In which Samish finds out that when one invites over a sexay alligatress who says she wants to eat the said one, she, in fact, does want to eat the said one, no matter how sexay and flirtatious she is about it. Poor Samish. He misses out on the most basic points of logic.
Rating and Classification: This one is rated XXX for inter-species sex, for potty mouths, for idle minds (a devil's playground, don'tchaknow?), and of course for the softly-hard vore. Wait, did I lose you on inter-species sex? That's right, she's an alligator and he's a human dude, and they spend about 2/3 of the story having sex or talking about having sex or remembering having sex or getting some rest so they can have sex some more. But it's NOT bestiality, because she's a sapient creature. It's... scale-iality?
http://www.aryion.com/forum/viewtopic.p ... 15#p480824

Title/Summary: A tavern/showbar owner receives a Warlord passing through, and tries to keep things civil. However his main performer decides to use the dangerous circumstances to blackmail him. He has other plans.
Rating and Classification: Snake/F vore, sex, sensuality, betrayal, constriction, barbaric/drunken soldiers molesting barmaids, "public" vore.
http://www.aryion.com/forum/viewtopic.p ... 15#p476790

Title/Summary: Kaliopi's way - An exiled young and inexperienced rabbit and a Catgirl, on her own for the first time, meet in a meadow by a pond. Catgirls are NOT nice, and they beleive that while rabbits can be foolish, they do satisfy certain needs.
Rating and Classification: Furry F/m Hard Vore. Current Rating is X for Explicit sexual situations and STRONG language.
viewtopic.php?f=38&t=18517&start=30#p484920

Title/Summary: The Many Journeys of Ian Scranton, Chapter 1: Out of the Frying Pan
This story was chiefly inspired by 4OfSwords' "The Many Deaths of Samish", but with an extra soft vore twist. Ian Scranton is a refugee fleeing compulsory military service, seeking to avoid certain death in some alien's belly. Instead, he winds up in an alien woman's stomach... the first of many. The good news is she has no desire to digest him. This story is my first experimental venture into the nonfatal subgenre.
Rating and Classification: This was my first extra soft vore story. There are also other forms of vore going on, but mainly freshly killed animals and such. There's a plant woman in the story who gets eaten. Essentially: FF/M, fairies and plant women as preds with one human male as prey; soft vore, extra soft vore, unbirth, plus some hetero and lesbian sex. I dunno if this qualifies as scat but Ian is made to relieve himself into the ground. It gets very little mention and no *details*.
http://www.aryion.com/forum/viewtopic.p ... 15#p474825

Title/Summary:[/b] Something Better: Brittany has grown tired of sharing an apartment with her maneater of a sister and the constant parade of shallow guys that she sees meeting their doom. When her sister brings home a date that breaks the mold, will Brittany be able to save him from her sister?
Rating and Classification: Same Size F/M soft vore, Rated PG13 for some language and scatological references. The optional epilogue is rated “Pootastic.”
http://www.aryion.com/forum/viewtopic.p ... 17#p474487

Title/Summary: This is wrong. A dreaming man keeps meeting a strange woman. Before long the dream becomes threatening. Has he the will to escape? Why can't he wake up?
Rating and Classification: SV-flavoured F/m. R for brief sexual description and erotic imagery.
http://www.aryion.com/forum/viewtopic.p ... 17#p473145

Title/Summary: Of Cheese and Invertebrates - This is a fic of Fromage that I just made. The game was too cool to pass it up making this. =P It's basically about the girl trying to figure out what's happening when she finds herself out of food and ends up on the menu herself. =3
Rating and Classification: PG (So far =P)

Contains:
Soft Vore
Unwilling prey
Messy gooeyness
Very light digestion
Loss of clothes
Genderless creature preds
Female prey

Doesn't Contain:
Death, guro, or pretty much anything objectionable
http://www.aryion.com/forum/viewtopic.p ... 17#p473047

[4ofSwords]

To enter this month, just read the first post to make sure you know what's going on, and fill out a copy of this template in your own post!

Instructions: Copy or quote this post when you post your submission. Everything in bold should stay, and everything not in bold should be deleted or replaced. Attach your submission as an .rtf or .doc or .txt or .pdf, or post a link. If you link off-site, make sure it's publicly accessible (no password-protection) and isn't swarming with ads or is poorly-formatted.

ABOUT YOU:
Your name: Answer with how you prefer to be called in posts. (Example: 4ofSwords)
Your writing library URL(s): (Example: http://aryion.com/g3/showgallery.php?id=102910)
Have you read the rules and guidelines, and do you agree to them? (They're only 1127 words. Consider them good preparation for your reading assignment.)
Have you proofread your own story? (Yes is the only good answer!)

YOUR POST:
Title/Summary: Let us know a little something about the story. Make this part compelling to help you get readers! (Example: Spider Woman. She's a science experiment gone wrong. He's from some shadowy government agency. He … err, the other 'He'... is dinner! Lust, intrigue, and plenty of spidery vore and cocooning!)
Word Count: Give an accurate, discrete, positive integer. There is no hard limit to word count, but stories assigned readers aren't responsible for more than the first 2000 words or so, and stories over 5000 words should be considered for breaking into smaller chapters.
Rating and Classification: Let us know what kind of vore and how much. Be sure to let us know if there is sex, gore, scat, digestion, etc., since those tend to be the major touchpoints. (Example: Rated “R” for descriptive nudity, sexiness, and naughty words. Contains F/M spidery (oral/vampiric) vore.)
Type of Critique Preferred: Do you want it harsh or gentle? In-depth, or impressionistic? Are you looking for the reader to pay special attention to technique, or to grammar, or to style? (Example: Harsh/honest critique is preferred. Tell me what you liked or didn't, or what took you out of the reading experience. Specific examples preferred.)
Questions for the Readers: If there's anything in particular you want the reader to think about or answer, here's your chance! (Example: Was her monologuing a bit much?)

YOUR READING LIST:
Rating and Classification Preferred: Tell us what you'd prefer to read or not to read. (Example: I like sentient female preds. I dislike scat, pain, and cockvore. I will read anything from Pokemon fanfic to the scenes that make Larry Flint blush.)
Critiquing Style: What kind of a critic are you? (Example: I'm a pretty harsh critic who is easily hung up by bad spelling and punctuation. I'm handy at suggesting alternative wording/plot points, etc.)

Don't forget to attach your writing!

[Eka]

If that Sirrush guys show up again ( Aka Draco by his old name ) let me know. He have been banned form many site with his consist religionists view on dragons.

Anyway, please continue.

[4ofSwords]

* * *

[Elle]

Here's my work for this month. =P I'm hoping to have more work done for the months ahead that happens to build on what occurs in this story, but with life, you never know.

Oh, and the girl in this really has no age, though from what non-sprite pictures I've seen of her, she seems to be at least high-school aged if not older. She's got boobs. She's not underage unless you'd like to imagine that. X3

ABOUT YOU:
Your name: Jfish (J, Fish, or Elle are fine too, if you call me by those already. =P)
Your writing library URL(s): http://aryion.com/g3/showgallery.php?id=122246
Have you read the rules and guidelines, and do you agree to them? Mhm =3
Have you proofread your own story? Of course. ^-^

YOUR POST:
Title/Summary: Of Cheese and Invertebrates - This is a fic of Fromage that I just made. The game was too cool to pass it up making this. =P It's basically about the girl trying to figure out what's happening when she finds herself out of food and ends up on the menu herself. =3
Word Count: 5,107 (Long, yes. =P It's worth it though, and I'm not even done with all of the story. X3 )
Rating and Classification: PG (So far =P)

Contains:
Soft Vore
Unwilling prey
Messy gooeyness
Very light digestion
Loss of clothes
Genderless creature preds
Female prey

Doesn't Contain:
Death, guro, or pretty much anything objectionable

Type of Critique Preferred: I don't mind criticism at all, but please keep it constructive and objective. More "I think you could this" than "You shouldn't do this". Also, I'm really looking for critique on the flow of my stories. I always worry that they go by too fast and don't spend enough time on situations and thoughts.
Questions for the Readers: For one, how was the flow of the paragraphs? How did the style feel in general? Did it grab your attention well? Did the characters seem believable, especially if you've played the game itself?

YOUR READING LIST:
Rating and Classification Preferred: I like female prey, though so long as there's a female humanoid in the story (preferably cute), I'm usually good. =P I like a lot of extreme roughness as well as sensual stories. I definitely won't want any m/m stories, unless both characters are underage and cute (which likely won't happen), and please, no fat or elderly seeming characters. o.o
Critiquing Style: I tend to be a bit of a softie, though I do say I don't like something if I don't like it. I just word it so it isn't as bad a blow, usually.

Don't forget to attach your writing!
Read it or download it here: http://aryion.com/g3/showitem.php?id=174330 =3

[Jacquelope]

Hey JfishSoM - I don't see any indication of who the pred is in this story before I actually read it. Is it a girl, guy, dragon, cat, fairy, shark, mouse, bird...? I'm sure I can deduce this from reading the story but I'd rather know who the main vore players are ahead of time. Thanks!

[Tobedumped]

Alright, I'm 1500 words in to a story for this month and I now feel comfortable promising it; I'm going to make my return to the group this month. Fans of disaffected, introspective twenty-somethings and scat can rejoice.

[Sehnsucht]

I never thought I'd have anything to do with SV, but there you go. Inspired by ManyEyedHydra (check out his/her writing gallery) after a conversation with 4ofSwords. Far softer and less explicit in content, but it still creeps me out After some excellent comments from TBD I've uploaded something that flows far better, but it still needs work.

ABOUT YOU:
Your name: London. Andrew London.
Your writing library URL(s): EPWG is my home!
Have you read the rules and guidelines, and do you agree to them? Oh, my, yes.
Have you proofread your own story? Yes is the only good answer!

YOUR POST:
Title/Summary: This is wrong. A dreaming man keeps meeting a strange woman. Before long the dream becomes threatening. Has he the will to escape? Why can't he wake up?
Word Count: 3008
Rating and Classification: SV-flavoured F/m. R for brief sexual description and erotic imagery.
Type of Critique Preferred: Honest and courteous. Give examples where possible, and suggestions for improvements are welcome. I expect it to require some serious grammar-naziing, but would appreciate an analysis of the broader themes.
Questions for the Readers: Did you follow/believe his growing panic? Are there any loose ends? Which lines didn't scan right for you (especially lines that might have been left behind from an earlier version)? When the punctuation breaks down, do you think it adds anything or is it just distracting? Was the information about lucid dreaming a distraction? Can you think of any other cool ways to illustrate how the dream begins to fade around him? Does the refrain "this is wrong" get in the way? How does this gel with your personal impression of SV, if you have one?

YOUR READING LIST:
Rating and Classification Preferred: Fairly permissive. Prefer sentient female preds, furry or human. Love power exchange, macro and catgirls. Prefer oral, but can handle anything you throw at me. Really tripped up by bad grammar.
Critiquing Style: Courteous but clear critic. Can look at the big picture of plot and character more easily when the little picture of grammar and imagery is already sorted. Apparently my approach is to crawl through the story with a fine tooth-comb, but ask specific questions and I'll do my best to address them.

Don't forget to attach your writing! Excellent idea!

Edit: fixed ManyEyedHydra's name and added a link to mollify him/her. Also changed Critiquing style.
Edit: version 2 after TBD's comments.

[Elle]

Ah, sorry there. I fixed it to say that I have genderless preds. Actually, I ought to put that they're critters too.

[Shadow_Walker]

Almost finished with my submission. Just gotta revise it.

Oh, and it's 11K words. Yeah, I know, I got carried away with my own prose.

[Tobedumped]

Bam! I effin' told you I'd have something this month! What's up!

ABOUT YOU:
Your name: Tobe, like Toby. Or TBD.
Your writing library URL(s): http://aryion.com/g3/showgallery.php?id=169977
Have you read the rules and guidelines, and do you agree to them? Yep.
Have you proofread your own story? Yep.

YOUR POST:
Title/Summary: Something Better: Brittany has grown tired of sharing an apartment with her maneater of a sister and the constant parade of shallow guys that she sees meeting their doom. When her sister brings home a date that breaks the mold, will Brittany be able to save him from her sister?
Word Count: 4,344 words of the main story and then 684 words of an optional elimination epilogue. 5,028 total for those of you keeping score at home. Both the story and the epilogue are in a truncated form… if I had let myself go wild, this could have been a full length screenplay.
Rating and Classification: Same Size F/M soft vore, Rated PG13 for some language and scatological references. The optional epilogue is rated “Pootastic.”
Type of Critique Preferred: I’ve got thick skin, so don’t be afraid to give it to me if there’s something that you don’t like. At the same time, I thrive on encouragement, so the more people that tell me they like my vore writing, the more likely it is I’ll keep doing it.
Questions for the Readers: -What lines, scenes and images really stand out in the story?
-Are Dan and Andrea too “flat” of characters, or do they serve their purpose? (In a “fuller” version, I would have both be much more dynamic, but 5K words is a cruel mistress) Does Brittany come off as a realistic and/or relatable character?
-For those who chose to read the scat epilogue, should I include it as a part of the actual story, keep it as it is, or ditch it entirely? For those of you who didn’t read it, were the limited scat references in the main text of the story tasteless to non-scat readers?
-Would you read another short story featuring these characters? Would you read a substantially longer version of this story?
-Tiny question that I always struggle with: real world references. I chose not to include a guitar brand or indie band name. I invented fake names for authors, rather than use real ones. At the same time I did end up referring to Buddy Holly and Elvis Costello. What’s your opinion: should characters in vore stories exist in their own fake world, or should they listen to The Shins and read Moliere?

YOUR READING LIST:
Rating and Classification Preferred: I will read and critique anything and have no taboos. That being said, my preference is human, F/M, same size oral vore with scat. (By the way, for those of you who read more than I do, is there anyone else at the portal that writes anything like I do? It seems like a common preference set, but the writing seems somewhat limited. I guess it seems that way no matter what your preference.)
Critiquing Style: I critique spelling and grammar. If the story doesn’t flow grammatically, I’m not going to enjoy it and I’ll let you know. I give compliments on things I like and give reasons why I don’t like the things I don’t like, but I’m not always great at suggesting alternate options. I think I’m one of the more thorough reviewers.

Don't forget to attach your writing! I shan't.

Please read and review. Remember: Fate smiles upon the generous.

[4ofSwords]

Bam! I effin' told you I'd have something this month! What's up!

Spuh-lendid! Welcome back!

[Sehnsucht]

Extra-(pre-)curricular response to Tobe's Something Better:

I was charmed by your description into reviewing your story early, and figured I could make use of some Fate-smiles.

I very much enjoyed reading your story, and like the twins more and more as I think about them. I immediately liked Brittany and her two-columned lists. Nice characterisation. Her ruminations give a good illustration of Andrea, too. Their interaction in texts is wonderful---the very intro is the best-written part of the story.

I did not expect the twist! Brittany had been so understanding and caring, too! Very nicely done, but I think I would have appreciated a little more foreshadowing (just things I could look back over and go "d'oh! obvious!"). I think the title could be improved, too, but it's way too late to think of more suggestions.

Are Dan and Andrea too "flat" of characters, or do they serve their purpose? I think you try just a little too hard to make Dan look perfect for Brittany, but both characters are exactly developed enough.

Does Brittany come off as a realistic and/or relatable character? Until Andrea comes then yes---so realistic I didn't even get the twin hint and failed to see the ending coming at all. Even when she turned on him she was consistent, as we'd gotten used to women who could view eating men as nothing but desirable.

For those who chose to read the scat epilogue, should I include it as a part of the actual story, keep it as it is, or ditch it entirely? I say keep it as epilogue. Scat is kind of the epilogue of vore, anyway The references were tasteful and a lot of fun, too.

Would you read another short story featuring these characters? Would you read a substantially longer version of this story? Depends what you do with them. The questions I'm left with concern their morality: how do they deal with killing, and in Brittany's case killing someone with whom she connected so well? I did find them sexy predators since Andrea is plain voracious and I now realise I don't understand the smart and cute Brittany's worldview at all.

As for a longer story, I think you might even be able to wick a few hundred words out of this story and improve it---specifically, if you tightened up the interaction between Brittany and Dan. It's so well-presented and -balanced that I can't see how you could have more happen. The one part I did think needed more material was the actual vore scene, which rushed by in a blur.

Tiny question that I always struggle with: real world references. Costello and Holly are cultural touchpoints and make the setting more believable, whereas it's not important what specific song she plays for Dan. I think the 17th century authors should be real authors, since you sound like you know what you're talking about (better than I do!). I don't see an issue with having her like Satre.

As is usual for me, minor/grammatical comments are spoilered below. They are mostly minor: I found your use of language competent, confident, quirky and interesting. If I seem to have found many things on which to comment, it's because I'm looking fairly close for lazy not-quite-synomyms, or empty words. Apologies if I sound like I'm lecturing, as I don't know how much you know and will over-explain.

Spoiler: show

You use both indentation and paragraph spacing, which isn't a show-stopper, but it's standard to choose exactly one method of delimiting paragraphs.

The pros and cons are written in the past tense, when I expected it to be in the present, like dialogue. Also, is it more common to have "Pro: something"?

"she was going to change". Typo: "wasn't".

Cabal is a weird word for a group of studs. Implies they're sinister. Herd? Matches the stud metaphor.

"booky, brunette Brittany": "bookish brunette Brittany" seems to scan better for me, since I think of "brunette" as a noun more easily than an adjective.

"offshoot, twin copy": I have difficulty parsing this bit. What's wrong with just "offshoot" or "copy"?

"options seemed constricted" => "restricted" better matches the sense you're going for.*

"Jeff? Joe?": I lol'd

"why she seemingly": "why she seemed to" is clearer. "Seemingly" is clumsy and muddy and one of those words that needs to disappear.*

"more presentable top": after the description of the T-shirt I'd expect at least a more specific word like "blouse", as this leaves me without a clear image.

"small victories" sounds odd, since she hasn't won anything, but I can't think of a better alternative. Reword the sentence?

"'Hey.' Dan returned the smile" => "'Hey,' said Dan, returning the smile." to make it clear he's speaking. Also, of "'Hey.' Brittany said warmly": when tacking a speaking verb onto dialogue, you use a comma. So: "'Hey,' said Brittany, warmly." (Unless you're going for effect I think "said" precedes a proper name but follows a pronoun. The two suggestions above illustrate these.)

After introducing the story from Brittany's POV, when Dan's in the picture you frequently slip into his for a sentence or so at a time. I'd suggest choosing one and sticking with it, or making it clear that you're in neither of their heads specifically.

"quietly debated" => "briefly considered"? A quiet debate sounds like it goes on for a while, whereas she's clearly doing this in a fraction of a second.*

"She slowly guided him": is "slowly" working hard? I used to use a lot of these empty adverbs without thought, but omitting them makes your writing tighter.

"it was true to itself": I haven't got a clue what this means---sounds like half a thought.

"She chuckled. [para] 'No one, yet.'" => "[para] She chuckled. 'No one, yet.'" keeps the previous para soley about Dan and the current one soley about Brittany.

"quasi-exotic" sounds a bit clumsy. How about just "unusual"? Better, have him comment on how he hasn't seen many.

"Dan chuckled anyway, partially as a courtesy, but legitimately charmed". The narration here takes the POV away from Brittany, and I'm not sure "legitimately" means exactly what you mean it to mean. How about, "Dan chuckled anyway. Brittany suspected he was humouring her, but he seemed a little charmed."? (Or something---it might be better to let it flow naturally from the dialogue!)*

"recently mastered: a trendy": since you're being vague, I suggest an m-dash, which interrupts the flow like a colon without making the reader expect too much of an explanation. "recently mastered---some trendy"

"Dan complimented": just say said! What he said is pretty complimentary already.

"able to identify the song, ... after only a few chords": you're telling the reader too much. How about showing them how cool he is, by having him start singing the lyrics? This whole para needs that kind of attention.

"Dan retrieved a copy...": aaugh! Bad author! He can be as well-read as you like, but happening to have a copy of some obscure text he finds in a strange room in his bag is trying way too hard. He could mention his first edition at home, and offer to lend it to her---foreshadowing her intentions? Anyway, I think you're in love with this guy

"Warning Him," => "Warning Him."

"first degree maneater": he then acts terrified. I thought he was playing at being scared at first, but he seems to have grasped her precise meaning immediately. I didn't expect him to realise she was talking about murder---having him ask to confirm or something would clear it up in my mind. Is vore common in this world? I wasn't prepared for that additional suspension of disbelief.

"Dan could here" => "Dan could hear"

(At this point I decided to stop reading so closely since I'd never get done. Hope this is enough!)

"He wouldn't make it easy" => "He didn't make it easy". I thought the vore scene was still coming, when in fact that was it. I wonder if this could be expanded a little, as it seems rushed. At least stating when he finally finds himself entirely in her stomach would make things clearer.

I can't comment on the scat, but I know a librarian-wannabe would never destroy a book like that

* I might not know what I'm talking about/might be pure opinion/might be minor
and not worth bothering about.

[Tobedumped]

I've done some professional writing, Andrew, but I think I'm going to fire my editor now. You're my new guy.

Thank you very much for your thorough and competent review (Fate surely will smile upon you). I'll get to work on one for you this evening (it's not late at all stateside.)

I'm getting pretty good at leaving out foreshadowing. I realized at the time that I was doing it for a second straight submission, but I tend to foreshadow with a sledgehammer. Rather than be too obvious, I tend to err on the side of "why the fuck did that just happen?" Or sort of retroshadowing, such as Brittany comparing eating a sophisticated male to enjoying foreign literature, justifying how it fits in to her character.

I'm also getting pretty good at rushing through swallowing/vore. Probably makes me a lousy excuse for a vore writer, huh? It just doesn't interest me all that much. I like seduction and I like females turning males into scat. If I ever find a more direct way to connect a to b, I'm done with this vore business.

Dan came off as too perfect (again, a recurring problem from my last submission... do I have a perfect man fetish?!) because as I started to collapse the story all of his other characterization got sucked out. It's kind of a vacuum packed, saturated version of him.

My original intent had been to write a longer, more complex story: Andrea is the serial-dater, serial-maneater who goes on x number of dates with guys before devouring them. Brittany then has x number of dates to get to know Dan, during which time they discover their shared interests and Brittany eventually comes to worry about his impending fate. Andrea shows complexity as a character, Dan wonders which of the sisters he truly wants to be with, and the reader gets to spend some quality time with Brittany in her daily life as she provides insight and foreshadowing. The ending remains similar. Pretty much a full-length romantic comedy movie plot that ends with the leading actress taking a two-page dump. Get on it, Hollywood.

In order to collapse it to 5000 words that people might actually read, I took out four-ish dates. Thereby we lose any meaningful interaction with Andrea (establishing her as more than just a consumer) and we get saturated perfect Dan. Instead of coming on date three with a book they talked about on date two, he has it there with him on date one for no fucking reason. (Thank you for calling me out on that... as well as the "no booklover would use a book like that." ) Anyways, I probably need to find a way to fix those things in this story because I doubt there will be too many takers for a virtual novel.

My intention was for this to be a "vore is commonplace" world. It was something I was going to explore further (again, 5K is a cruel mistress), but I should probably do something to establish it.

The other story I might write with these characters is one that offers the perspective of a long term male friend, which invariably would get in to the morality of the situation.

I've already started adopting your note and I will download your story and comb through it now. Thank you very much for your praise and thank you even more for your corrections!

EDIT- I also agree with you that it could use... well... something better for the title. But my working title was "Brittany's Big Bowel Movement" and I felt that was a little on the nose. I told myself I needed to come up with something better, so I literally pulled that title out of the text. Its been a few days and I don't have a good one yet...

[Sehnsucht]

Thank you very much for your thorough and competent review.

It was my pleasure---as I say, I enjoyed the story! I hope the broader comments at the top were understandable, since I was getting tired while writing them up.

I'm getting pretty good at leaving out foreshadowing. ... retroshadowing.

I like the sound of that retroshadowing. I see where you're coming from, and in retrospect it's probably not worth peppering the story with suggestions. I liked the dramatic tension when the reader guesses her intentions but he's still unaware: it might be worth playing up. While I'm on that subject, removing the phrase "—the only difference being the glasses that protected Brittany’s delicate, caring gaze" makes the twin hint far starker.

I'm also getting pretty good at rushing through swallowing/vore. ... If I ever find a more direct way to connect a to b, I'm done with this vore business.

Heh, well it's only fair if the majority of the vore world ignores your part of the kink. If that's how you feel then I think you could get away with something of the current length, but just a little clearer. As it is now, the scene is very clearly held at arm's length. Just changing the tenses you use makes a big difference: "he didn't make it easy" and "all of these became just milestones" make it clear that the action has actually occurred.

Dan came off as too perfect (again, a recurring problem from my last submission... do I have a perfect man fetish?!) because as I started to collapse the story all of his other characterization got sucked out. It's kind of a vacuum packed, saturated version of him.

I think perhaps the current characterisation works quite well---it's always pretty believable (except his having that book ). I guess my advice becomes: try to have his perfectness develop naturally through his dialogue and actions. With so little space it's very easy to feel pressured into just telling the reader things.

My original intent had been to write a longer, more complex story: ... Pretty much a full-length romantic comedy movie plot that ends with the leading actress taking a two-page dump. Get on it, Hollywood.

I agree that more dates would make their interaction develop far more naturally. How many words would you plan on spending on each date? I think not much more than a page each would give the characters a chance to interact (while Andrea does her hair, or makes Brittany iron a dress, or whatever), but the brevity would keep the narrative fresh and fast-moving. Whatever you choose, I would be interested in rereading it.

From my vast experience of Hollywood pitch meetings, I suggest that you insert several Orange mobile phones into the narrative. (I hope you get these adverts in America, or I'm going to look stupid )

My intention was for this to be a "vore is commonplace" world. It was something I was going to explore further...

You could always explore it more fully in a separate story to prevent the themes from getting muddled. Maybe a sequel?

I will download your story and comb through it now.

Thank you! There's no rush if you don't have time, though!

My working title was "Brittany's Big Bowel Movement" and I felt that was a little on the nose.

Heheheh, yeah, and BBBM doesn't advertise that the story is as well-written and interesting as it is. Can you think of a 17th century work of literature whose title could provide a double entendre? That could be the book he mentions. Or something about her "exclusivity", like "Distinguished taste", or "Refined taste", or something like that that doesn't sound like arse? Phrases taken from the text: "Rare indulgence"? "Tasteful man?" (heh). None of these are really gripping me...

[Jacquelope]

ABOUT YOU:
Your name: Le Jacquelope, aka Le Jacq, aka Blacque Jacque Shellaque (hahah just kidding)
Your writing library URL(s): http://aryion.com/g3/showgallery.php?id=155866
Have you read the rules and guidelines, and do you agree to them? Yes
Have you proofread your own story? Yes, this is actually a revision.

YOUR POST:
Title/Summary: The Many Journeys of Ian Scranton, Chapter 1: Out of the Frying Pan
This story was chiefly inspired by 4OfSwords' "The Many Deaths of Samish", but with an extra soft vore twist. Ian Scranton is a refugee fleeing compulsory military service, seeking to avoid certain death in some alien's belly. Instead, he winds up in an alien woman's stomach... the first of many. The good news is she has no desire to digest him. This story is my first experimental venture into the nonfatal subgenre.

Word Count: 14279, so far almost twice as large as subsequent chapters.
At 2000 words, he encounters the first Grue... a pair of mermaids trying to eat him. Alas, the woman who does swallow him is the one who saves him in that same scene. Down the hatch #1 happens by 2800 words.

Rating and Classification: This was my first extra soft vore story. There are also other forms of vore going on, but mainly freshly killed animals and such. There's a plant woman in the story who gets eaten. Essentially: FF/M, fairies and plant women as preds with one human male as prey; soft vore, extra soft vore, unbirth, plus some hetero and lesbian sex. I dunno if this qualifies as scat but Ian is made to relieve himself into the ground. It gets very little mention and no *details*.

Type of Critique Preferred: Sock it to me!

Questions for the Readers: If you were put off by extra soft vore, is this still a compelling read? ETA: Where do you think I could make my descriptions of things more... colorful?

YOUR READING LIST:
Rating and Classification Preferred: I prefer human/elf/fairy female preds but will tolerate furries. I absolutely avoid stories with underaged participants. I prefer to avoid scat and yaoi but if I have to choose between that and underaged stuff I'll read the latter.

Critiquing Style: I'm a big picture guy. I tend not to bother with spelling errors unless they're way too numerous or really distracting. I reserve 6 (out of 5) star-status for stories that invoke controversial discussion, LOL.

The story can be found at: http://www.aryion.com/g3/showitem.php?id=171519

[Shadow_Walker]

ABOUT YOU:
Your name: SW
Your writing library URL(s): My one at Deviant Art
Have you read the rules and guidelines, and do you agree to them? Yes
Have you proofread your own story? (Yes is the only good answer!) Yes

YOUR POST:
Title/Summary: Running Wild This is a simple story of a kid trying to figure out what's wrong with his life. Basically, it's two stories in one, the first one being a kid who's worried his life is stagnate, and an auto mechanic who's trying to hold it together for his sister. It's a story that relates to me. Breaking my own number one rule (don't make a character based on yourself), the main character is based on where I felt like I was at at the beginning of my senior year of high school.
Word Count: 11,886 Easy Mode: To the end of the first scene. Normal mode: To the end of the third scene. Hard Mode: To the end of the seventh scene. Insane mode:To the end of the story.
Rating and Classification: It's really more PG-13, but there is one instance of nudity but you don't get to see anything. It's a furry story with implied furry sex and furry vore. There's M/F and F/M vore and alcohol use. Also, I've censored any mentioning of French Canadians.
Type of Critique Preferred: This is sort of like a second draft for me. People who read this here before I edit it the second time are reading it before I ever put it up on my Deviant Art and Furaffinity. Rather than using editors for this one, I thought I might run it past y'all to make up for putting forth a story that I made clear wouldn't be rewritten.
Questions for the Readers: What places do you think I can cut? How can I smooth the story over those sections? Does it feel like all of the characters have different personalities? Finally, do you have any better titles?

YOUR READING LIST:
Rating and Classification Preferred: Will do: M/F and M/M as long as it's furry, and F/M and F/F regardless. I don't like scat or cock vore and I don't enjoy hard vore much. Also, Anal vore is iffy for me. Lastly, I will probably end up bashing any fanfic you put in front of me as I'm strongly biased against them.
Critiquing Style: Harsh as hell. I've been trying to stop this as it's usually seen as arrogant, but if I see something wrong, I point it out. I am trying to get back into telling people what they did right as well.

[KavenBach]

ABOUT YOU: Perverted Damseldangerologist
Your name: KavenBach, K-Bach, or "Wierdo feeding women to monsters"
Your writing library URL(s): http://aryion.com/g3/showgallery.php?id=70290
Have you read the rules and guidelines, and do you agree to them? Si
Have you proofread your own story? Y'know, technically, NO! I wrote it in about two hours this morning. I'll proofread it and upload any corrections long before the August 7th deadline though.

EDIT: Yeah, re-read it now. I should probably post a version with extra spaces between the point-of-view changes, but I actually didn't see any typos for once.

YOUR POST: The Snake Stripper
Title/Summary: A tavern/showbar owner receives a Warlord passing through, and tries to keep things civil. However his main performer decides to use the dangerous circumstances to blackmail him. He has other plans.
Word Count: 5820 (that is FREAKING short for me!)
Rating and Classification: Snake/F vore, sex, sensuality, betrayal, constriction, barbaric/drunken soldiers molesting barmaids, "public" vore.
Type of Critique Preferred: Say whatever you feel you should.
Questions for the Readers: Er... I dunno...!
YOUR READING LIST:
Rating and Classification Preferred: Preferably non-furry, best ?/F or M/F. F/F or F/M maybe, M/M no. No Scat (maybe the barest hints are acceptable), I don't mind pain or graphic digestion though, UB, CockVore, Soft vore, Hard vore, I'll read an awful lot as long as it's a female prey and non-gender (plant, beast) or male pred. F/F or F/M my tastes are a little more limited but should be passable.

Critiquing Style: I'll probably start by the negatives, after typing out my responses even as I'm reading. Hopefully I'll then remember to continue with what I DID like. Bad grammar and spelling REALLY bother me, to the point of ruining a good tale, and I will say so. On the other hand if you have a good entertaining tale and it reads well I'll probably read it even if it ends up non-vorish. If I see continuity or logic errors I'll probably comment on them. I try not to be too brutal and this month I'll pay more attention to the questions and critiquing styles asked for.

Don't forget to attach your writing!

Yep:

http://aryion.com/g3/showitem.php?id=174612

[Tobedumped]

Here is my free review of Andrew London's This is wrong, paying him back for his wonderful critique of my submission. Sorry I took a little bit of time with it-- I had some unexpected weekend plans. Here are my thoughts after having read the story twice.

Andrew London's This is wrong
What I liked:
It’s something different; even within the soul vore subset. It doesn’t follow one of the predictable vore story formulas, and that alone is an accomplishment. There’s a lot of different ways to explore soul vore and this is an interesting one.
One image that really lasts with me from this story is the potential terror of the narrator exploring the hellscape of a deteriorating dream as he starts to “lose it.” This can definitely be milked—the more detail that goes in to the description of a fading world, the more terror.
I also like the concept that as the narrator gets distracted by the blue Subaru he loses the girl. I was actually frustrated by this the first time that I read it—“damn it, we don’t get plot progression because he got distracted.”—I wanted to yell at the narrator to focus, so this obviously put something in me. You might even be able to play this kind of frustration up a little bit more… after all the narrator has to be frustrated by his limitations as well.

What I would suggest:
Some things struck me as “not quite right” as I read. The narrator describes the door having a keypad as being “weird” whereas teleportation across town didn’t seem to bother him in the slightest. I’m not sure that a single key would create a “cold weight” in his pocket. Since everything else seems to be three-dimensional, I don’t know why he calls the playground 3D. After the narrator says that there’s no wind rushing past while flying, he describes it also as travelling as fast as he can remember.
I’d like to know a little bit more about the girlfriend and their relationship. If he has to travel to the village he grew up in to reach her house, is this a current girlfriend or a childhood girlfriend? What are his goals that he refers to his fantasy as being “unobtainable”? Does he want something specific? Is she not putting out in real life? How far of a departure would “appallingly slutty” be for her?

Your Questions
-I think that the growing sense of panic from the narrator should start earlier and should grow noticeably throughout. As soon as he realizes that he doesn’t have full control over his dream there should be concern. As it stands, even two pages into the story—where the narrator has already stated that “this is wrong” twice-- he’s dismissing the danger of nightmares. If he has a lot of lucid dream experience, I would imagine he would be concerned even by things like not being able to work the door keypad.
-I wouldn’t necessarily call it a loose end, but I have some questions about the repeat at the end of the story. To me, the implication of this is that the narrator has been now banished to this dream world, and that he is about to cycle through the story again. I think it would be either cooler or more accurate (I’m not sure which) to keep this implication, but show that things have changed for the narrator. Keep the throwback to the beginning of the story, but show that he has even less control over the dream world now.
-The middle sentences in the first paragraph didn’t scan right for a variety of reasons. The narrator says that he’s “not outside his house anymore,” even though it wasn’t established that he was outside of his house to begin with (I thought he was at a bus stop.) The word “still” at the beginning of sentence three threw me. Once sentence talks about rubbish trucks, the next sentence only cites a single truck.
Another place where scanning could be improved is the sentences beginning with “They call this lucid dreaming. I’ve done it before, and as I look around me…” I’d connect “I’ve done it before” to the first sentence and let the description of detail be its own sentence. Also, then, the later sentence of “This isn’t my first time lucid dreaming, which is really just conscious dreaming” is redundant.
On page 3 the narrator mentions that the figure is wearing “the same white wedding dress.” While I eventually assumed this meant the same white wedding dress that the girlfriend had been on the previous page, clarification would have made it smoother. Also, since the narrator spins around in the sentence before, it’s confusing or misleading for him to refer to the figure as being “behind him,” I felt.
Some other things that didn’t read quite right were “lucid dreamed” (maybe dreamt lucidly?) and “I set down in the garden.”
-I don’t think the breakdown in punctuation either adds or subtracts.
-The information about lucid dreaming was good and could be one of the highlights of this story. The idea of lucid dreaming gives the narrator farther to fall—it allows him to be under the woefully inaccurate impression that he is in control at the beginning of the story. I really liked this part of the story. What I would do to strengthen it is give a complete description of the strategies and exercises he has learned. Tell us how the spinning helps and introduce the “test” exercise from page three earlier and clearer. I think that making it clear that this character is a dreamscape explorer and showing us his tools and experience only makes it more terrifying when things start to turn south for him.
-Like I said at the very beginning, I like something that challenges traditional vore formulas. This isn’t what I imagine when I think of soul vore, but I think that’s a good thing. I also have a different interpretation on soul vore than many others and I might go ahead and share it in a future story.

Overall
I enjoyed reading this story—it breaks up some of the tediousness of reading “same old” vore stories. With revision and clarification (and probably a little bit more) it can become a very interesting read.

[Sehnsucht]

Sorry I took a little bit of time with it-- I had some unexpected weekend plans. Here are my thoughts after having read the story twice.

Thank you very much for the comments! There's a lot wrong with it, and with your comments I hope to churn out a much tighter version. I wrote it almost in one sitting, so some things are there because they came out in that order, not because they work best, and you've done a good job in challenging the things I wasn't ambitious enough to question during my own reviews.

It’s something different...

Cheers I'm also gratified that you use the word "terror" during your review, as that's certainly the feeling I get when I contemplate this subject!

I wanted to yell at the narrator to focus, so this obviously put something in me. You might even be able to play this kind of frustration up a little bit more…

Good idea---will do this. I'll also look out for similar times where I might have made the reader feel that the narrator was acting/thinking/feeling unreasonably, as they tend to distract.

Some things struck me as “not quite right” as I read. The narrator describes the door having a keypad as being “weird” whereas teleportation across town didn’t seem to bother him in the slightest. ...

Some of what you quote are just badly written---thanks for catching them.

I think the opening para can work much harder. It's meant to be ethereal and stream-of-consciousness because the dream isn't yet lucid, but perhaps intentionally confusing the reader in the first para is a bad gambit What do you reckon to starting the story with I'm dreaming, and have him not quite wake up until after the first para? Perhaps she approaches him, but he casually does the hand thing and when he goes lucid she's gone... that means in the closing refrain, when he doesn't go lucid, she's right there in front of him. Sounds better to me!

I’d like to know a little bit more about the girlfriend and their relationship.

Ah, this is something that's clearly half-baked, and you're right to call me on it. I originally wanted him to attempt to meet someone he knew well, but who wasn't as deep in his mind as his family. Currently, though, she's a bit of a cipher. I could expand on their relationship a bit, or I could make her a symbol of something. Careful use of symbols could make this a far better story, I think. (For instance: what the hell does the wedding dress mean? I don't know. Careless of me.)

What are his goals that he refers to his fantasy as being “unobtainable”? Does he want something specific? Is she not putting out in real life? How far of a departure would “appallingly slutty” be for her?

This was meant as a kind of playful nudge to the vore audience. If it's really that distracting I'll do something with it. A vore reader might assume that this is a hook I'll follow through on, since it's, you know, a vorish story.

I think that the growing sense of panic from the narrator should start earlier and should grow noticeably throughout. ... where the narrator has already stated that “this is wrong” twice-- he’s dismissing the danger of nightmares.

I'll look into starting earlier. I also meant the italics to be a voice that came from him, but wasn't his thoughts. This was something that didn't come through so well---it's what she was referring to in the end when she says his body held on to him.

I would imagine he would be concerned even by things like not being able to work the door keypad.

In my own experience, no matter how lucid I've been the bloody light switches never work. I'll see if I can make this clear with a comment.

I think it would be either cooler or more accurate (I’m not sure which) to keep this implication, but show that things have changed for the narrator. Keep the throwback to the beginning of the story, but show that he has even less control over the dream world now.

Excellent idea---this is the kick up the arse I needed. See above comments---it'll be a lot better next time around.

The middle sentences in the first paragraph didn’t scan right for a variety of reasons. ...

Lazy writing, will fix.

Some other things that didn’t read quite right were “lucid dreamed” (maybe dreamt lucidly?) and “I set down in the garden.”

The former is a bit clunky, but I think of "lucid dream" as a noun phrase so it's unnatural for me to split it as you suggest. A quick reword will fix it. "To set down" is colloquial, and I wondered if it would be confusing. Will alter.

I don’t think the breakdown in punctuation either adds or subtracts.

In that case I'll leave it for further review. I half considered going batshit crazy like Danielewski in House of Leaves by breaking down the formatting of the page...

The information about lucid dreaming was good and could be one of the highlights of this story. ... What I would do to strengthen it is give a complete description of the strategies and exercises he has learned.

Will do---sounds like good advice.

Like I said at the very beginning, I like something that challenges traditional vore formulas. This isn’t what I imagine when I think of soul vore, but I think that’s a good thing. I also have a different interpretation on soul vore than many others and I might go ahead and share it in a future story.

For a long time I've hated picturing things from the receiving end, so perhaps what I did in this story was splat down some images I've had in mind for a long time, with little concern for telling a good story. As I say, there's no reason it can't be catharsis and a good story, if I'm capable of telling it. I'd be interested to hear more of your interpretation in future---this subject has always been taboo to me, and it's fun now to talk about it